Healing is defined as the process of making or becoming sound or healthy again. Process it says, a series of actions or steps taken in order to achieve a particular end. Infusing these two words together, healing and process leaves me with a question as to whether this healing does ever get to a particular end or it is something that one just learns to live with.

As someone who’s been journaling my Sister’s loss, the healing I am penning down is rather different. It is a healing that is brought by circumstances that shaped me to be who I am today. Circumstances that took place consciously and subconsciously yet somehow creeps in and cause triggers that sends one to the beginning of the process. As we navigate this jungle called life, we sometimes go into an auto-mode we get into a certain routine because there are things that need to be achieved and ticked so life goes on and that’s it. We hardly take time to pause and reflect, until we’re forced into something that we can’t run away from. This for me was the lockdown it forced me to have conversations with myself, to reflect on who I am … and where I am headed etc. I was confident that I did a good job of this and ready for a whole phase “the becoming of Mothership“. I was so sure that I got this! Until I met someone…

In December 2020, I took a road trip with my Sister to Limpopo. This trip signified a whole lot of things for me, including doing something different for a change for I thought you can’t be doing the same thing and expect different results. One of them being traveling in December, which I have always avoided because of it being peak time, accidents and all. I guess this also made me realized how safe I have always navigated life, right? The trip happened and it was beautiful, I remember on our way back I made a promise to myself that I will definitely do more of this. Planned or unplanned… I believe the spontaneous ones are just the best. It is during this trip I decided to also take a chance in love ❤.

I made a decision to give love a chance for it is such a beautiful thing! And it is during this past two months that I have learned that healing really is a process. I have come across things that I didn’t even know I was carrying, some things would just creep in out of nowhere because I didn’t realize that although they happened in the past, they caused a whole lot of damage and can continue to do so given a chance. I have come face-to-face with a different Mpho, the vulnerable Mpho, the Mpho who is so sure she deserves a good love for she’s capable of giving one too but also a very fragile Mpho. Not only fragile but feels the need to protect herself by all means possible. The trick then becomes when you come across love.. you actually fall in love. Falling means moving from a higher to a lower level, typically and without control…and it is without control part for me. I seem to struggle to grasp it for at the back of my mind there’s a need to be in control and avoid what has happened in the past. This can only mean I am sabotaging this chance at love … sabotaging my chance at happiness for I cannot say for sure I am in love if I haven’t let go of the need to be in control and let myself fall in ❤. To be in it, to be in the moment and not anticipate what could happen in the future because of what happened in the past. The past which belongs in the past.

As I continue to heal, I hope I don’t become my own obstruction and deprive myself the opportunity to fully immense in love. To appreciate if for what it is and believe that I do deserve it. To believe by all means that I can have a wonderful, loving Partner who appreciates me for who I am.

This is post is dedicated to this lovely being, who is patient and kind to me and reminds me everyday that the love I have always deserved is possible.

I owe it to myself to continue being kind to myself, pause and reset whenever possible. Healing is after all a process!