Work in progress. My favorite saying, yet the truth is, I don’t always live by it. I say it for the sake of saying it. What I do in reality is chase perfection, not progress. This stops here and now.

October is Mental Health Month, and I’ve been intentional about my well-being, especially as I embrace yet another phase of life: peri-menopause. One of those things women go through with no control… and control is something I struggle with! This chapter has humbled me: the weight gain has been intense, making a return to road running more challenging. The mood swings? Once again, beyond my control.

Yet, despite all of this, life continues to bless me with its greatest moments. I completed my tenure as my Toastmasters club’s secretary; something that will always remain special, because I finished what I started. In August, I held a mic and shared my life journey as a speaker… something I’ve looked forward to and hopefully the first of many.

Just over a month ago, I celebrated three years at my current employer, doing what I love. Another milestone: my youngest had her matric dance last Saturday. As she walked down the stairs to join our loved ones who came to see her off, I thanked my Heavenly Father for His unwavering love and support through parenthood. I remain deeply grateful.

And it was in that moment I realized something profound: when I chase progress, not perfection everything falls into place. Life becomes richer, more vibrant, and more fulfilling. This is the chapter I want to live fully, with grace, patience, and intention.

I appreciate the opportunity to continue the journey from “Embracing a New Chapter: Finding Myself at 46” into the uncharted territories of Me vs Me. It seems my path has taken unexpected turns, and I’d like to share how I faced the challenges of welcoming 2024.

Waves of Change: As the calendar turned to a new year, I did so with a heavy heart. The dawn of 2024 marked not only the beginning but also a poignant farewell – bidding adieu to what felt like a lifetime partnership. The circumstances of distance compelled us to part ways, adding another layer of pain to the fresh wound of losing my beloved Mom. All of this played out against the backdrop of a demanding role at work, where showing up and not dropping the ball became a daily struggle.

Me in the Midst of Turmoil: In this tumultuous sea of emotions, I found myself at the crossroads of Me vs Me. The me that longs for stability, the comfort of familiar companionship, collides with the evolving me, grappling with the complexities of grief, heartbreak, and professional responsibilities.

The Internal Battle: The battle within intensifies. The me that yearns for the past, for the presence of loved ones, clashes with the me that’s striving to move forward, embracing resilience and growth. It’s a continuous negotiation, a dance between the echoes of yesterday and the uncertain footsteps of tomorrow.

Faith as an Anchor: In the midst of this internal struggle, I find solace in being a daughter of the loving God. Isaiah 41:10 resonates deeply within me – a reminder that, even in the darkest moments, I am not alone. Grasping tightly at His right hand, I draw strength, courage, and the unwavering belief that this too shall pass.

Me: Working My Way Up: I am in the process of working my way up – emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Each day presents a new set of challenges, demanding everything in me to face it head-on. It’s a journey of self-discovery, self-compassion, and the relentless pursuit of a new dawn.

So here I am, navigating the Me vs Me saga amidst life’s complexities. The heavy heart of farewells, the demanding role at work, and the echoes of loss create a symphony of challenges. Yet, as I confront this internal turmoil, I find strength in the belief that I am not merely defined by the circumstances, but by how I navigate through them. This is the ongoing story of Me vs Me – a narrative of resilience, growth, and the unwavering faith that guides me through the shadows into the light of a new day.

Who am I? No really, who am I?

At the age of almost 47, I’ve found myself grappling with a fundamental question, one spurred by the profound loss of my parents. Who I am I? Their departure from this world hit me in ways I never anticipated. In the span of just two years, I bid farewell to the individuals who brought me into this world – my first loves. Suddenly, the constants in my life were gone, leaving me to navigate a world without their guidance.

Now, standing at the threshold of a new chapter, I am faced with the reality of being an orphan while also shouldering the responsibilities of parenthood. It’s an arduous journey, marked by the yearning for a simple call or chat with my parents, the desire to seek their advice, or even share a gossip session. The realization that these moments are forever out of reach is a painful truth I grapple with daily.

Amidst this emotional turmoil, I find solace in the fact that life continues to unfold. My career is blossoming, but the joy is tinged with the absence of my parents to witness these milestones. Joining Toastmasters, 4th Dimension, a decision aligned with my aspirations to elevate the “Mpho Hlalele” brand, has been a transformative experience. Stepping out of my comfort zone, I delivered my ice breaker on the anniversary of my mother’s passing, dedicating it to her memory. Titled “From Firstborn to Wise Leader: My Journey of Empathy and Resilience,” it was a candid exploration of the impact of being a firstborn.

Reflecting on this, I contemplate whether my journey should extend beyond Toastmasters and into the realm of authorship. Being a firstborn has profoundly shaped my identity, and sharing my experiences may resonate with others.

As I embrace this new chapter, I recognize it as neither a return to the drawing board nor a mere continuation of the past. My parents, in their wisdom, bestowed upon me the gift of resilience, forming a cornerstone of my foundation. I am determined to leverage this resilience and other lessons learned to forge ahead.

The present beckons, and I am determined to live in it fully. Amidst the challenges and uncertainties, I plan to return to running, amplify my voice through more blogging, and, above all, savor the richness of the present moment.

This is who I am now—resilient, evolving, and ready to embrace the journey ahead.

Day 23 and counting.
The journey continues..
The struggle gets real every day.. with this being said I am acknowledging every day that I need to work on my faith. Only when my faith is strong am I able to withstand whatever struggle life throws my way. This also requires me to go back to the basics, work on that faith that moved mountains before. The faith that made it possible for me to be here.

I call on my Heavenly Father to instill in me, the unmovable faith 🙏the faith powered by Him. The unshakeable faith.

To F.A.I.T.H 🥂

Mental health during pandemic, add grieving to the equation then there’s turmoil. This is my current state of mind…turmoil! Waves upon waves of emotions sometimes all at ones. At times I am not sure which Mpho I miss… the old Mpho (who obviously would have her loved ones back to life) or the new Mpho who would have survived the current turmoil.

My Dad’s passing hasn’t been easy at all, as it should. Life without him isn’t easy at all, and Mom’s health deteriorating immediately after his passing hasn’t helped at all. I have noticed that I have bouts of anger… misplaced most of the time and then I realize I need to suppress the emotions for fear of regrets. Most of the time I remember how well my Dad handled things, his demeanour amidst turmoil but most importantly how empty I am without his prayers. I miss our conversations, our bond. And I know for sure he wouldn’t want me to fall apart…he had so much faith in me. He was proud of me and it hurts when I feel like I am letting him down.

I plan to dig deep in me, the foundation he laid that somehow got covered by mud (life challenges) and put up a good fight. It’s never gonna be easy but I know for sure it’s going to worth all the while. I wouldn’t be Papa’s big Girl if I don’t 🖤. I have so much to be grateful despite the turmoil:

1. My Girls who are thriving despite whatever life is throwing at them
2. A Partner who adores and believes in me
3. My only brother getting married soon..
4. In a month it will be one year since I am a homeowner

These are just a few I can think of …there’s plenty. I must just lift my head high up in the sky, exhale and faith it until I make it.

Today a month ago, was Wednesday and a holiday. More importantly was the last day I saw my Papa alive. I remember how the day started… I woke up and got ready to go do my nails and spoil myself to a brunch thereafter. My Sister was going to take Papa to the Dr who was going to prescribe some meds and all will be well again.

After doing my nails I walked to Mugg & Bean to order my fav, chicken livers and cappuccino. I was still in the birthday celebratory mood. I had just turned 44 on Saturday and all was good. Just as I had placed my order I called my Sister to check how it went with the Dr. And she said Papa has been referred to the hospital. I immediately told her to come pick me up … I got worried but thought at least he is getting the attention he needs with his abdominal pain and all will be well. I remember our trip to the hospital, Papa was so quiet and clearly in pain. Even when we got to the hospital we used the wheelchair because the pain was unbearable. We went through the admin process which was about three hours or so. The Doctors reassured us he was in good hands. We came home to his wife and made sleeping arrangements, which were of course temporary for Papa was coming back home.

Thursday the 17th came and Papa had the emergency surgery to remove the objects that caused him pain, and the op was deemed successful or so we thought. We only managed to speak to him later in the day… I remember how frustrated we were because visitors were not allowed at the hospital. We managed to get hold of him late that evening and although he sounded out of it, we were happy Papa made it through the surgery. Friday the 18th he summoned us to the hospital, saying the Dr wanted to speak to us. The three of us rushed to the hospital, only to be refused entry because no prior arrangements were made for us to be allowed entry. After some time only my brother was allowed in to take the few items we packed for Papa. He came back and reassured us that Papa was on the mend.

Sunday was Father’s day, 20th I remember telling my Sister how I am starting to hate the day. In 2019 Puna passed away whilst preparing for the Father’s day lunch. Fast forward 2021 Papa was in hospital, for the first time since he was born. That evening during our daily calls he didn’t sound ok at all… I remember my brother and I wondering what is it that was odd about him and couldn’t put a finger on it. But we let it go and slept. Monday 21st June in the morning, we called him and he was in high spirit. We were relieved. The worry we had the night before quickly faded… we assured him that he will be home soon. I went about with my daily work… the at 16:03 I called him just to check in. He sounded disorientated. I couldn’t make out what he was trying to say… I got so frustrated because I wanted to understand what he’s trying to relay to me. I then asked him to rest a bit and that I will call him after 18:00. I thought he needed to rest. But at 17:13 the call from hospital came and summoned us to Helen Joseph. Everything seem to be taking forever. Traffic lights… everything. I kept praying that it cannot be the worst, I had spoken to Papa earlier. There’s no way something could have happen within an hour. Unfortunately the worst did happen 7 minutes after the call. Papa was no more. Just like that death visited our family in June to take our Anchor. Even as I type this I am in disbelief that he’s no more.

Papa was more than a Father to me. He was my best Friend! We come a long way with him.. we were even colleagues at one point, walking to and from work. And for some odd, perhaps even silly reason I had never imagined my life without him. Especially because the past few years we stayed together…I got to see him every day. It hurts so much. His loss is unexplainable. There’s a hole in my heart that’s just there and will never close again. However, as much as it hurts I am grateful that I had him as a Father. My first love. Papa was generous and loved with all his heart. His love is carrying me through still and I know for sure it will continue to do without fail.

I continue to mourn his loss yet celebrate his love at the same time.

I remember Papa in a happy way. Papa’s Big Girl.

I remain forever Daddy’s Girl, unashamedly so.

The month of March leaves a bitter sweet taste in our mouths as a family. From the 1st March the WhatsApp groups would have been filled with my lil’Sis reminders that her birthday is approaching accompanied by hints of gifts she expects from us. She had a why of making sure she gets what she wants for her birthday and in turn acts all surprise when she receives them. Now the days leading up to her birthday are empty and silent, another reminder that she’s no more 💔💔💔.

Another event that dim our lights in March, is the sudden death of my Uncle, in March 2019. A mystery that’s yet to be solved. Not even sure if his death was caused by a knife or gun. All I know is I lost an Uncle.

In 2011, it was my maternal Granma, who passed away suddenly… five days after we had a chat and she reminded me that she prays for me. I remember how touched I was by those words as I wasn’t working at that time and didn’t tell her for I knew she would stress. Thing is leaving home and coming to this place of Gold is one of the most humbling experiences. And admitting to those left behind that things aren’t working isn’t about pride but making sure they don’t worry about your wellbeing for everyone knows … This place of Gold can be a jungle at times. I say this even though I moved with my immediate family. When the going gets tough it does get tough.

As I type this blog I am filled with so many mixed emotions, for there’s always a glimmer of hope that things will work out eventually and in the same breath there’s a hole that will never be filled because of the loved ones lost in death. There’s a constant struggle between fighting and giving up, remembering that every breath one has is a privilege for some aren’t as fortunate. Then I am left with no choice but pick up my tools and keep digging, digging very deep to make it through. To try just one more time.

The past week has left me drained emotionally. So much so that I got physically sick, yet here I am on a Sunday evening alive still and sharing my story. Meaning I have been granted an opportunity to try again one more time. I need to start with going back to the road, something I have neglected and know very well that is important to keeping sane.

So despite the losses. The challenges. I am alive still with possibilities to do better. Yes pause if needs to but never be stagnant. Progress remains an integral part of human being survival. I will lose some. I will win some. It’s part and parcel of this journey, called life.

Healing is defined as the process of making or becoming sound or healthy again. Process it says, a series of actions or steps taken in order to achieve a particular end. Infusing these two words together, healing and process leaves me with a question as to whether this healing does ever get to a particular end or it is something that one just learns to live with.

As someone who’s been journaling my Sister’s loss, the healing I am penning down is rather different. It is a healing that is brought by circumstances that shaped me to be who I am today. Circumstances that took place consciously and subconsciously yet somehow creeps in and cause triggers that sends one to the beginning of the process. As we navigate this jungle called life, we sometimes go into an auto-mode we get into a certain routine because there are things that need to be achieved and ticked so life goes on and that’s it. We hardly take time to pause and reflect, until we’re forced into something that we can’t run away from. This for me was the lockdown it forced me to have conversations with myself, to reflect on who I am … and where I am headed etc. I was confident that I did a good job of this and ready for a whole phase “the becoming of Mothership“. I was so sure that I got this! Until I met someone…

In December 2020, I took a road trip with my Sister to Limpopo. This trip signified a whole lot of things for me, including doing something different for a change for I thought you can’t be doing the same thing and expect different results. One of them being traveling in December, which I have always avoided because of it being peak time, accidents and all. I guess this also made me realized how safe I have always navigated life, right? The trip happened and it was beautiful, I remember on our way back I made a promise to myself that I will definitely do more of this. Planned or unplanned… I believe the spontaneous ones are just the best. It is during this trip I decided to also take a chance in love ❤.

I made a decision to give love a chance for it is such a beautiful thing! And it is during this past two months that I have learned that healing really is a process. I have come across things that I didn’t even know I was carrying, some things would just creep in out of nowhere because I didn’t realize that although they happened in the past, they caused a whole lot of damage and can continue to do so given a chance. I have come face-to-face with a different Mpho, the vulnerable Mpho, the Mpho who is so sure she deserves a good love for she’s capable of giving one too but also a very fragile Mpho. Not only fragile but feels the need to protect herself by all means possible. The trick then becomes when you come across love.. you actually fall in love. Falling means moving from a higher to a lower level, typically and without control…and it is without control part for me. I seem to struggle to grasp it for at the back of my mind there’s a need to be in control and avoid what has happened in the past. This can only mean I am sabotaging this chance at love … sabotaging my chance at happiness for I cannot say for sure I am in love if I haven’t let go of the need to be in control and let myself fall in ❤. To be in it, to be in the moment and not anticipate what could happen in the future because of what happened in the past. The past which belongs in the past.

As I continue to heal, I hope I don’t become my own obstruction and deprive myself the opportunity to fully immense in love. To appreciate if for what it is and believe that I do deserve it. To believe by all means that I can have a wonderful, loving Partner who appreciates me for who I am.

This is post is dedicated to this lovely being, who is patient and kind to me and reminds me everyday that the love I have always deserved is possible.

I owe it to myself to continue being kind to myself, pause and reset whenever possible. Healing is after all a process!

What now! Yes I am here. You are here…what now?

The truth is your predecessors traumatized me so much that I feel like I need to approach you with caution. But how does one live with caution? How else do I reach my goals? How do I fulfill my passion when I do so with caution? The world is going through a lot at the moment, tomorrow is not guaranteed now more than ever. There’s sadness, it is gloomy because Covid is holding us hostage… it’s not easy at all.

One thing is for sure, I am still breathing. Despite it all … Still I rise 💜 and it is for the very same reason I need to ensure that mask, social distance and all I fulfill my purpose. I reach my goals be it small nor big and never ever take for granted the gift of life.

I learn everyday of my life that my Heavenly Father remains the constant feature in my life. Without fail He holds my hand even when my head hangs low because life is just too overwhelming at times. And it is for this reason that I will keep being the best I can be in everything I set my eyes on, for He has proven times and times again that nothing is impossible with HIM.

I declare 2021 my year of FAITH. For Faith is the assured expectation of what is hoped for, the evident demonstration of realities that not seen (Heb 11:1). I have faith that I will get the job I deserve this year, and that I will get to travel more, I will reach my health and body goals, faith that I will become a better Daughter, Sister, Mom & Aunt. Faith that whatever it is that my heart desires, my heart will get 🙏. For the longest time I have doubted myself, not thinking I deserve the best… thinking I am not good enough for the best. This year, I am claiming what belongs to me… LOVE, MONEY, HAPPINESS you name it all I am claiming it.

Dear 2021, please be kind and allow me an opportunity to achieve all of the above & more.

Love,

Mothership 👸

I cannot believe I last blogged in August, hence blocking instead of blogging.

2020 is one special year! A whole six months has gone with us being at home, trying the best to avoid Corona virus. A whole lot of emotional roller-coaster, one moment there’s a workout routine and next, nothing just waking up to the laptop and meetings. How did we get here? And most importantly, when are we getting out? But wait, getting out to what exactly? The new normal… What’s instore for us in the new normal? Do we rush for it… Or soak up as much as we can of the current situation.

All I know is, I am drained. 😔