I made it. I am 43.

Today is the end of May, #day65oflockdown, the eve of my birth month. In twelve days I will be 43 and for the first time I ain’t excited about it. I wanted to order a cake and make it special for me, I mean it happens to be on a Friday but on Sunday will be exactly a year since my Sister departed. This puts me in such a confused state… one, I am still alive so I have every right to be grateful of it. Then there’s two, how do I celebrate my life when my Sister’s one was cut short? I know I am not the first person to lose a loved one, nor the last one, but this is my pain. This is my grief journey. To top it all, last week my 98 year old grand Pa also departed. The only grandparent I had left and I couldn’t even bid him farewell.

The Sunday, he was laid to rest I thought of the beautiful memories I had with him. He was present, despite the fact that there are many of us, grandchildren I can proudly say my grandfather was there for me, and my kids. I am a proud Motaung for I am branch of this tall tree that bore my dad and got to live for almost a century. I do have a lot to be grateful of.

So from tomorrow, June 01 I am going back to my workout plans; meditation and physical. I am increasing my mileage of the road for I am now working towards Comrade 2021. Part of me is relieved that this year’s one has been postponed because it was just going to be emotional. Being on the starting line, almost the same time my Sister was declared dead. Was I going to have the strength to carry me through the gruelling 11hours on the road? I guess I will never know.

The journey continues… sometimes it’s clear and other times a bit blurry but one thing is certain time goes. And with the lockdown I am trying to make each day count, as challenging as it is at times I remain #workinprogress.

Rest well Makhehlane. Motaung wa Hlalele, Sebata.

02 July 1921 – 20 May 2020 💜

Day 42 and I am still breathing 🎶🎶🎶🎶, did I mention we can run as well? It’s the little things that matter.

Sometime I try and imagine what life would be like post Covid-19, then again I remind myself of the importance of living in the presence. Making the best of the “now“, because tomorrow is not promised.

Lockdown has presented the much needed rest for the soul, body and mind. Life has been a rat race that hardly afforded us time to pause and reflect. Take stock and check if the path we’re on leads us to our goals or destruction. Once again we’re faced with choices as human beings; do I use this lockdown wisely and become a better version of myself or constantly think of what I am being deprived of?

My goal is to come out of this lockdown a better and bolder Mpho! The Mpho that goes after her goals and achieve them, and when all else fail gain experience.

The journey continues and chapter #43 is fast approaching.

 

 

Lockdown 2.0 loaded, reflection on 1.0.

I type this with a smile on my face because I have survived the first season of Lockdown. Got into a routine and although it’s not 100% where I could have loved to be, I am getting there. Yep! Because I remain work in progress. We wake up work out and meditate as a family before starting our day, which mostly ends with watching soapies as a family. And this humbles me for I realize how blessed I am to be able to survive being locked up in a house with my parents and kids. Thus the narration should change to, we’re not locked up rather safe at home.

As a runner, my main worry was also maintain some form of fitness during the stay in and I happy to report that I have exceeded my expectations. I have managed to lose some weight and getting stronger with each workout, as I countdown to #43.

CMA, Comrades Marathon Association also made an announcement to postpone even though they did not confirm the date as yet. I have made a decision though to rather focus on Comrades 2021 which happens to be the down run still. It won’t take place on the 14.06 like this one would have been, but I will still dedicate it to my Sister 💜. My brother plans to join so we will make it a family affair, God willing 😇.

The journey to greatness continues, I am getting acquainted with Mpho again thanks to the lockdown. I love the person I am becoming… there are times it feels like an out of body experience, scars and all I love the process.

Love and light 🥰🥰🥰

Just as I was about to reach my running goal, boom came Covid_19 and shut down the country… well at this rate it might as well be the world. I remember being a typical human being whereby my concern was just running and nothing else. Then our company issued an instruction to work from home few days before the President announced the 21 country lock down. It slowly hit home, that we’re facing a pandemic. And me being wrapped in my little world concerned about running , I was being selfish.  There’s currently no cure for this virus and the daily reports of confirmed cases are becoming part of our lives. It’s scary …

I have decided to use these 21 days wisely. Get acquainted with Mpho!!! The same way I have been putting an effort on my running, I am doing the same with my mental well-being. I am imperfect and by no means trying to be perfect, that’s why I live by  “work in progress” motto. This hasn’t been without challenges of course but I am applying a runner’s attitude of taking each hill one stride at a time. It is after all a journey, with half, full and ultra marathons and I can’t wait to say “I have made it” to each one of them.

Mpho the Conqueror. The warrior. The fighter.

 

Today was meant to be a qualifier for my #comrades2020. I avoided over thinking it. I saw myself at the finishing line, making it before the cut of. But it was unfortunately not to be. At around 7kms I became thirsty and told my Coach who said he will get me water in the next water point as I was in form and didn’t want to lose my momentum. True to his word we got water, he slowed down a bit so that we can drink it. But at 9kms I became light headed, followed by sharp pain on my chest. I pushed until 10kms, I mean I had to claim something. There was a car with Standard bank Team supporters and I asked to rest for a while. I must have blacked out because they called an ambulance. I was taken back to the stadium in an ambulance 😔… I had reflections of 2016 when what started out as chest pains turned out to be pulmonary embolism.

I made a decision there and then to put my health first and qualifier later. There will be others, but would never be another Mpho. A single mother to two beautiful girls.

I lack no support at all when coming to this passion of mine that is running, especially now that I am running for a purpose. To honor my little Sister 💜.

Sesotho se re ho checha ha ramo, ha se ho baleha ke ho nka matla 🙏🏽.

I made sure I clocked 10kms and claimed that medal 😅😅😅. I will conquer it… It’s a journey not destiny.

February 06, 2020. Day 37. What have I learned so far, how close am I to my goal? What’s stopping me to commit? These are questions that are constantly in my mind. I remember how down I was in the first two weeks of the year. I didn’t have any energy to sit down and set my goals for the year, and I always wondered why? Is it because I am afraid of commitment? Am I too hard on myself that I will feel like a failure when I don’t reach my goals? Don’t I think I am great enough to achieve whatever it is I set my mind to or am I just a realist who accepts her current situation and don’t see a way out? I am still to find out, but in the meantime….

I completed my second marathon on the 26th January and still didn’t qualify. The finish was somehow different though. My body worked with me. Like I could walk afterwards, the double lap and all.

What was different from the first one? I trained. I worked towards it, and am getting closer to the goal. To qualify for Comrades 2020.

How awesome it will be, to really apply the running lessons in my daily life? To celebrate life’s little moments, to pause and strategize on making the next move better.

Why does it seem impossible? Because there’s a little voice inside of us that we entertain more than we should. The voice that keep discouraging and reminding us of our imperfections. The voice that highlights failures more than our victories. This voice isn’t going away, so I am learning to answer to it whenever it drags me down. I am learning to rise above it. I am learning to shut it down with; I will try again, or I am the greatest! For who am I not to be 💪🏽.

I need to start affirmations, on a daily basis together with my meditation. Take control of my journey, each day at a time. For as a runner I know too well that when I am on the road it’s body, mind and soul and the same should apply to the rest of the day. I am not aspiring to be perfect, I am however aspiring to be the best I can be. I know it’s possible. And I can achieve it, if only I commit to it.

Life is too short and I know this only too well. Sometimes, when I can’t find the motivation to get through the day or a challenge, I think of my Sister Puna. How impossible it is for her to achieve anything, and I snap out of the self pity. It is important to get into a habit of appreciating each day, starting with opening my eyes in the morning and realize I have made it the book of life. That His grace is upon me still and is more than sufficient. That I can allow mercy to re-write my life 💜💜💜 I hope my Sister’s beautiful soul continues to rest in peace.

I am fortunate to have been acquainted with the reality that life is a journey not a destination. It took me a while to fully understand this, for I used to live my life wishing for the next chapter, thus failing to live and appreciate the present. For the longest time in my early adulthood I spend most of it fantasizing, of how happy I would be if only I achieved something. I woke up from my fantasy world and tried to live in the moment, as challenging as it is! This is still work in progress.

We are very hard on ourselves as human beings, forgetting that our Creator loved us long before we were born. Knowing fully well of imperfections, yet we battle to be kind to ourselves. This despite the fact that we live in a cruel world, a world where being yourself and comfortable in one’s skin is a daily battle.

This brings me to my grieving journey. It is a journey yes, for I don’t ever think I will reach a destiny with grief. This past week marked the seventh month of my Sister’s passing. Going to a year now but the pain still cuts deep. I still have the outer body experience, I see everything that happened on the 14th June and subsequently the 22nd June 2019 when we laid her to rest flash through my eyes. I feel helpless again, as if there’s something I could do nor turn back the hand of time. “Time heals,” they say and I disagree. I have learnt that it is a reminder that the person is no longer there. That everyday that pass, passes without her and it hurts. Perhaps what hurts more is that life goes on without our loved ones… it doesn’t pause. Moving on seems like betraying their memories. Then again because they loved us, you remind yourself that they wouldn’t want you to be sad. It’s constant battle, for no matter how much we cry ourselves to sleep…God willing we rise again in the morning, without her 💜.

 

 

Dear 2020,

I feel the need to introduce myself to you. My name is Mpho and I live by the motto: “work in progress!” Your predecessor showed me flames and saying it was a roller-coaster ride is an understatement. I went though a divorce, was out of employment twice and oh how can I forget the loss of my loved ones. And through it all I am here … sharing this, which means I have survived each and every one of those storms. When going through them I never thought I would live to tell the story… I lost count as to how many times I wanted to give up, throw the damn towel because it seemed like there was no way out. Whenever I felt like this suicide always came to mind, it always became an easy way out would reason. Is it though? For death is final, there is no coming back, however whatever challenges I face are temporary with a tag: this too shall pass! 

I made it 2020! My Heavenly Father, Jehovah came through for me through each and one of my challenges. Forever faithful, even when I felt unworthy nor deserving of His unconditional love.

There are some highlights though… I turned forty almost three years ago. My eldest daughter completed her schooling career, I made strides in my career and became a runner! This madness bug that is running bit me and I am loving it. It challenges me and helps me build endurance; an important quality on and off the road. Being able to complete the race no matter how difficult it is, improving with each race I run. I try and apply this off the road. I may never be the Caster Semenya, but I give my best every time I am on the road.

I am on the road to #Comrades2020, the ultimate human race. I decided to dare to dream and hopefully come out the winner for completing it.

I am Mpho and continue to be work in progress in this journey called LIFE.

This post is dedicated to those feeling like there’s no way out. Hang in there, your time is coming. Keep your head up, always, so you never miss your breakthrough.

Yes 2019 has dealt me a good deal but I do have highlights and would like to take this moment and reflect on them:

1. I fell in love with myself all over again! I learnt to appreciate myself, so much so that on my birthday I flew to Durban for a day. All on my own. I sat by the beach and reflected on the past 41 years, soaked it all in. I forgave myself for the silly mistakes I made, for loving the wrong people… I wouldn’t be the person I am today if it wasn’t for them anyway, so yes they made me.
2. Left the comfort zone in terms of my career … I took a horn by its bull. I asked for feedback from my stakeholders. I particularly asked them, if there’s anything I could improve on every quarter. It wasn’t easy because I could have easily opened up myself for criticism that could have destroyed me. I did this because I am believer that nothing grows from comfort… I did and it payed off. And I am grateful.
3. I ran my first marathon! In a scotching heat I completed what I started and it felt great. Running has brought so much in my life. I feel great most of the time because when I go out running I use this as an opportunity to reflect and communicate with my Creator. Running has taught me patience and to focus. I am able to endure a whole lot because of running… whenever the going gets tough I think of myself running and focus on completing the race.

I am proud to say I run regularly and consistently, still struggle a bit with sleep but it’s much better because I want to believe with my every being that my Sister is resting peacefully too. 💜💜💜

This particular blog is dedicated to Manqoba who thanked me for sharing my grief journey. Manqoba there’s no formula to grief you take it each day at a time and hope it gets better and hurt a little less. I wish well my dear brother 💪🏽