The grief journal

The lessons grief is teaching me:

  1. You blame everything around you. All of a sudden WhatsApp is annoying because you can’t see the status nor receive one from your loved one. Facebook memories too… They somehow tend to remind you that she’s no longer there.
  2. There are a lot of “I don’t care” moments. Like what more can happen than this loss? Also a very dangerous one for that I don’t care moment can be a make it or break it one.
  3. Anger. At who? At everything else that led to losing the loved one.

The reality is death is inevitable. No one wins against it. It takes loved ones without shame. Our lives are changed forever when we lose that special one. My goal is to use this change positively. This fearless me should accomplish it all 💜.

This sums it up 💜

Still I rise

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I’ll rise. by Maya Angelou
Oh how I love it. It resonates so much with my daily struggles, when life throws curve balls my way and I lose balance, I fall and pick myself up and say to myself: still I rise. I am on chapter #42 of my Life: HerStory. And it has been the bumpiest ride ever. I try and focus on my work but somehow get panic attacks for I worry I will make mistakes.  This is the first time in my life I finally found what I had been looking for career-wise. The job that screams “Mpho” whenever I get up, deservedly so for it took me half of my life to get here. I do deserve another lonesome trip, right? 
This chapter also includes grieving for the loved one, the one’s life was snatched away from you just like that. I am never the same. And I do pray and hope that I will divert this grief towards something that my future self will thank me for. Let me see:
  1. My spirituality!
  2. Get off my lazy ass and get on the road to prepare for the #Comrades2020
  3. Make sure the move with my parents work for all of us. Take it as a blessing not a burden.
  4. Do a short course.
  5. Blog. Blog. and blog some more.

    Mpho

    #Mommycrushmonday

  6. And most importantly be present, as a MOM, daughter, sister, aunt, employee and a friend!

A month ago today ðŸ’œ

A month ago today my life changed completely. I lost my youngest sister. She bravely lost her battle to epilepsy. Yes bravely, I said. She lived with it for nineteen years, seizures that only happened at night. Never had death hit so close to home, and the fact that I was there when she was confirmed gone doesn’t help. I felt like I didn’t shake her hard enough or call out her name out loud. All of a sudden, my sister had gone. I remember wanting to shout at the morgue people to not suffocate her with the plastic when taking her body away. I will never forget how helpless I felt when seeing my dad broken, for not realizing on time that her last born was no more.

Later in the day, Comrades committee announced the date for for 2020. And the date is 14.06.2020. The day my sister was classified as deceased. I made a decision there and there that I will participate, no scrap that I will complete #Comrades2020 in her honor. 💜.

The beginning…

On January 14th 2018, I ran my first half marathon. When I reached the finish line, I was so proud of myself. I wasn’t even aware that I had finished it under sub 3. I was just happy I pulled it off.

This after the festive season, where healthy eating nor training is foreign. I focused on the goal. Finishing the race.

After this race I started working on my pace. Building endurance and making sure my mind and legs are in sync.

Then came the crazy idea of running Comrades 2020. I know right…

This all seemed possible for I ran three times a week, and did grid the other days. The Comrades2020 goal was reachable. Until, I started working again… Traveling between Bryanston and Centurion took it’s toll on me. Lost all the momentum I built in five months. Suddenly my dream was distant. Far away and unreachable.

One thing I had forgotten was that I shared my dream with those closest to me. And what a blessing they are… I have started running yesterday thanks to Nandi. This means waking up at 03:30, driving 5kms to go run 10kms. Crazy I know but it’s worth it.

I plan to be consistent. Get back on track and focus on making Comrades 2020 a reality.

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